A New Life
by icestar663
Summary: Matthew's been persuaded by his doctors to write a diary-like account of what happened while he was with Gilbert. AU. Human names used. Sequel to "Face Down in the Dirt" Contains flashbacks of violence. PruCan.
1. Chapter 1

_I feel so stupid having to write this. The doctors say it will help but I don't see how. No one listens to what I say so how is writing it down supposed to actually change anything. If anything this makes it worse because I know my brother Alfred will read this if he finds it and I don't want him to. I don't want him to worry about me any more. He's bad enough as it is at the moment and if he finds out more of what Gil did it'll just make him even more protective. I don't expect him to keep that stupid promise about protecting me he made when we were kids. He doesn't need to be my hero. My relationship with Gil is and was my own business._

_For several years I was going out with a German man a few years older than me. His name is Gilbert Beilschmidt. For the last year or so he hit me, ending when I spent a month in hospital and everything I kept hidden was exposed to the open air. Gilbert ran and went into hiding. I moved in with my brother, Alfred. I'm still hopelessly in love with Gil._

Matthew sighed and put down his pen, reading over what he'd written so far. He didn't want to keep going. He was tired and felt physically sick at the thought of telling anyone what had happened between him and Gilbert. All the young Canadian wanted to do now was sleep

_I know Alfred won't listen to me about it but I know Gilbert loved me._

He wrote the final line before closing his notebook and locking it securely in the top drawer of the desk in the room he was using. Sighing softly he pulled himself awkwardly to his feet and shuffled over to the bed. His left arm was still in a sling so his movements were slightly inhibited as he pulled off his slippers and got under the covers. Carefully he placed his glasses on the table by the bed and switched off the strong lamp that had been illuminating most of the room. Closing his eyes the exhausted man snuggled down and hugged his tattered old toy bear close as he waited for sleep to take him.

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**Author's Notes:** **Okay so I was never planning on writing this, it just happened. Hope you people like and I'm sorry if updates are a bit erratic. Hetalia doesn't belong to me and I'm a bit obsessed with PruCan at the moment**


	2. Chapter 2

_I met Gilbert five years ago through a friend. Well I say a friend... I met him through Francis. He had insisted I go to some speed dating thing he'd organised. I remember thinking at the time that it would be stupid, pointless and no one would realise I was there anyway. I had been mostly right. I sat there silently while people milled around me, completely forgotten. Until him. A tall, athletic looking man had pushed his way over to where I was sitting and taken the seat opposite me. He was captivating._

_He told me that his name was Gilbert Beilschmidt and that the awesome him had been made to go to the unawesome event by the less-than-awesome Francis. I think I just giggled and agreed with him, trying not to stare at his deep red eyes. When it was time to move on he didn't. We just sat talking for the rest of the evening._

_I had to leave early to pick up Alfred from somewhere. I'd been really nervous and shy about putting a piece of paper with my phone number written on it onto the table before I left, not looking to see what Gilbert's reaction had been. I never actually expected him to call me. I was too easily forgettable and he must have had loads of people give him their number. He looked like the kind of guy who would have attracted a lot of attention._

Matthew didn't realise he was crying until a tear hit the paper. It hurt to have to remember, let alone find the words to write down everything that had happened between him and Gilbert. He wiped the tears from his eyes and sniffed, knowing he had to write more before Alfred came home from work so the notebook could be locked away from his brother's prying eyes. He hated the fact that Alfred would want to know everything about everything to do with his ex-relationship. Especially as he knew that all his brother wanted was more reasons to hate Gilbert.

_I jumped when the phone rang. My phone never rang unless it was Alfred and that was rarely. I had frowned at the unfamiliar number before answering it. It was Gilbert. He'd remembered about me. We arranged to meed at a small café in town. As I hung up I couldn't believe that a man as popular and good looking as Gil had wanted to meet up with the bland, invisible me._

_When I saw him that day I remember being flustered and nervous but he completely put me at ease. He talked mostly, I just sat and listened to him. After a while – when we'd finished out drinks – he grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the shop. We went to the movies. It was sweet in the kind of way the clichéd movies are where the couple sit at the back in the dark and get closer to each other as the film goes on. About halfway through he took my hand. I remember being fascinated by the way the light from the screen flickered across his silver – almost white – hair. I can't even remember what film we watched._

_It was dark by the time the movie finished and he insisted on walking me home. He kissed me goodbye on the doorstep. He tasted of popcorn and cold and for a moment I never wanted to pull away._

_His smiled told me he was thinking something along the same lines. Then he was gone and I moved into my warm house. I was already in love._

Matthew sighed as he read over what he'd written. It sounded cheesy as hell but that was how he remembered his first date with Gilbert. Checking the time he slowly stowed his writing things away and stretched, picking up his mug of long cold hot chocolate and going downstairs into the kitchen. He wasn't too happy about living with Alfred but until he recovered and found his own place he didn't exactly have a choice. "At least I get to go back to work next week," he murmured to himself as he poured the drink away and washed up the mug. He was looking forward to getting out of the house for a while. He hummed to himself as he went back upstairs to his room, in the kind of mood where trying to be constructive would probably end up having the opposite effect. He sighed and sat down on the bed, picking up his toy polar bear and looking at it sadly, "What am I going to do Kuma?"

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**Author's Note: Updates? What is this treachery! A nice fluffy chapter of them meeting. The thought of Francis making Mattie and Gilbert go speed dating was a far too amusing concept to not use.**

**I still don't own Hetalia.**


	3. Chapter 3

_I didn't go to work. I tried but I just couldn't make myself leave the house. I just stood in the doorway for ages before finally giving in. I just made myself hot chocolate and cried in the kitchen before phoning my boss. He didn't mind. I think he was almost as upset as Alfred that he hadn't noticed what was going on._

Matthew sighed and sipped his drink before continuing.

_We were happy. For years Gil and I were happy. We both worked but I had fewer hours than him so I was always home first. I enjoyed those few hours of time alone I had before he got back. I gave me time to clean up and get dinner sorted. He was kind and considerate, always making sure to call ahead so I knew when to expect him back; particularly when he was going down the pub for a few hours with his brother Ludwig. Sometimes I would join them along with Ludwig's partner Feliciano. Neither of us drank much but it was nice to be out as a group._

_Then Gilbert lost his job. We'd been together for about four year by that point and it was completely out of the blue. Gil had always been a good employee. He worked hard at a job he enjoyed. We had no idea it was going to happen until it did._

_Something inside Gil changed. He hated being in the house all the time and couldn't find a new job. He spent more time in the pub on his own, coming home late and drunk. He had levels of drunkenness. Sometimes he'd come home apologetically with flowers or maple cookies but then there were the times when he'd drunk too much. That's when he first hit me. He'd come home late at night, drunk and angry that his dinner wasn't still hot. He argued about how I wasn't his wife and he just laughed at me. I didn't know how to react when his fist collided with my body. I was just in shock. I remember that when he finally went to bed I slept in the spare room, crying myself to sleep into Kumajirou's fur._

Matthew put his pen down, his shoulders shaking with sobs and tears dripping down his face onto the paper. He picked up Kuma from the bed and hugged him tightly to his chest as he cried. His handwriting down the page gave away his shaking hands, the last few sentences almost illegible from the shaky writing and blots of tears.

After taking a few moments to compose himself enough to think, Matthew picked up his pen and scribbled down a few more lines.

_I don't want to have to write this any more. I don't want to remember what he did. I don't want to remember the good times either. Don't make me. Please don't make me remember any more. Remembering hurts too much. I don't want to remember._

Locking his things away, Matthew moved shakily over to his bed and slumped down on it, curling up tightly as he sobbed and whimpered to himself.

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**Author's Notes: *whines* I just wanted to give Mattie a hug all the way through writing this! Damn you Gilbert!**


	4. Chapter 4

Matthew's hands were hands were shaking before he'd even started writing.

_I don't want to have to keep going with this._

_Gilbert changed over the next few months. He stopped bringing the gifts and the beatings got worse. There was one night – the first of many – when he forced me down onto the bed and-_

He stopped. Just thinking about it was too painful. He didn't want to write it down. Sighing, Matthew nibbled on the edge of one of the cookies Arthur had brought for him. He had been pleased to hear they were shop-bought and that the Englishman hadn't attempted to make them himself. Eventually he started writing again.

_I remember lying there just thinking that eventually he'd notice my tears and realise how much he was hurting me. In the end though I figured it out. Gilbert knew how much pain I was in. He just didn't care._

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**Author's Notes: Oh Mattie... my poor little Mattie... sorry this chapter is stupidly short but there's not much else I knew how to expand it.**


	5. Chapter 5

_I was always careful to hide my wounds. It wasn't too difficult at first, no one paid a lot of attention to me anyway. But in the end Alfred – and to some extent Arthur – started to know something was wrong._

_Arthur is Alfred's best friend. He's English and they've known each other pretty much forever. Arthur's a few years older than Al and me though. I think they tried dating a few years ago but found it too weird and so went back to just being friends. Makes sense really, the way they act around each other they could be brothers. I think Arthur's going out with Francis now though he won't admit it._

_Anyway, eventually I had to start making excuses and hoping they wouldn't ask me any difficult questions. I was physically and mentally exhausted all the time by that point. I-_

Matthew had just enough time to shove his things into the drawer and lock it as Alfred burst into his room. He stuttered his way through his brother's questions before managing to escape into the small en-suite bathroom. He slumped down on the lid of the toilet and didn't move until he was sure Alfred had gone.

Sighing he over to the desk and got his things out again.

_Alfred interrupted me. He was asking if I knew where Gilbert could be. I couldn't answer him properly, I'm worried he's going to do something stupid. I wish he'd understand that I want to be left alone to recover and that I'm still completely and utterly in love with Gilbert._

_Gilbert... The first time I properly had to lie to Alfred about what he's done was when he'd come home in a bad mood while I was making pancakes. Gil had grabbed the back of my head and pressed my cheek against the hob. I told Alfred that I'd been careless and slipped in a puddle of water I hadn't cleaned up properly. I don't think he believed me though. A couple of days later Arthur came round while Gil was out to ask me what happened. I stuck to my story, despite his persistence. Despite everything that was happening I wasn't about to rat Gilbert_ out.

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**Author's Note: Sorry this is a day late, it was my friend's birthday.  
I feel so bad for Mattie! And the conversation he has with Alfred will be expanded when I upload the sequel. Also, to clarify each of his journal entries are about a week apart from each other.**


	6. Chapter 6

Matthew swallowed, picking a maple flavoured cookie out of a box on his desk and nibbling on it. He tapped the end of his pen on the edge of the desk as he thought. Sighing softly he looked at the selection of maple products that were spread across his bed.

_A hamper arrived for me. I don't know who it's from but I can guess. I think it was from Gilbert. He must have been waiting for a while until Alfred had gone before leaving it for me. Anyone else would have waited by the door for me to answer or left it with Alfred but whoever did leave it didn't do either, which is why I think it was from Gil. I think Arthur's coming round later so I'm going to ask him to cover for me. He treats me like a little brother so I'm really hoping he'll do it. He's not as hotheaded as Alfred is and from the conversations we've had I don't think he hates Gil as much as Al does._

He sighed, dipping his next cookie into the steaming mug of frothy hot chocolate as he worked out what he was saying next.

_Gil always used to buy me maple biscuits when I was sad. He'd go all around town to find my favourites. That was before everything happened. Back when we were happy. I love maple, Alfred laughs at me because I use maple syrup in the same way he uses tomato sauce. On everything. Gil never laughed at me about it. He teased me sometimes but he thought my obsession with maple was cute._

_Despite everything I miss Gil like a constant ache. All those time when we were together and happy were the best moments of my life. He would just hold me close in his strong arms. Breathing in his scent and with his arms around me I felt safe, happy and content. I loved him. I still love him. From the moment I met him I loved him. I want him back. I love Gilbert Beilschmidt more than anything. I belong with him in the same way Ludwig and Feliciano belong together._

Matthew looked up as the front door opened with a loud bang, his brother was home early. Matthew stood up and quickly started to pack the things on his bed back into the hamper and shoved it all under the bed. He went back to his desk and say down, sipping his drink and wiping his eyes.

_I want to be able to go home now._

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**Author's Note: Not a lot to say about this chapter. Just hope you enjoy and, this story is almost at an end**


	7. Chapter 7

_When Alfred found out what Gil did he went ballistic. I woke up in hospital to hear him shouting at Arthur about how much he hated Gil and wanted to hunt him down for what he'd done to me_

_Gilbert had come home early and angry. He had shouted at me and hit me. I'd never seen his red eyes so cold. Before I really knew what was going on he's grabbed me by the collar and thrown me into the coffee table. It shattered under my weight and I felt a shard of glass slice just above my eye. I just lay there winded for a while before I heard him gasp. I was sure he was going to run but I could hear him phoning an ambulance. I was confused, I didn't think I was that badly hurt. But then as I moved my hand slowly I realised what had happened. The wooden leg of the broken table had embedded itself deep into my stomach. I thought I was going to die. In that moment I felt oddly calm. I forgave him. I told him that I loved him and I forgave him before giving in to the blackness that engulfed my mind. The last thing I remember seeing was the worry in his beautiful eyes._

_When I finally awoke Arthur told me that it had been almost two weeks since the incident. Apparently Alfred had been forcibly removed from the room while I'd been struggling to wake up properly because he wouldn't stop ranting and shouting about the various ways he wanted to murder Gil. After a while I doctor came to talk to me. He explained briefly what had been done in order to save the life that I had been so close to losing. He also told me what needed to be done when I was strong to help to heal and sort out my other injuries; that included breaking and resetting the wrist that Gilbert had broken a few weeks previously so it could heal properly._

_I stayed in hospital for a few more weeks before being allowed 'home' to Alfred's. I don't mind staying here but he's louder than I'd like._

_I guess that's it. The important parts at least. I'm done._

Matthew sighed and drained his mug before standing up. He felt freer and happier than he had for a while now he'd finally finished his account of his time with Gilbert. He locked the notebook away before reaching for his boots. He wanted fresh air and to stretch properly so as much as he was daunted by the thought of going outside he was determined to do it. He pulled on his hoodie and walked slowly down the stairs.

It seemed to take a great deal of effort just to get himself to open the front door and look out. He looked pale and drawn from spending so many months inside but a small smile was spreading across his face.

He must have stood there for about ten minutes before very slowly and hesitantly stepping outside and closing the door behind him. Matthew took a deep breath before starting to walk. His first steps towards being himself again. And maybe a new life.

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**Author's Notes: Well that's it. The end of this story. I'm updating this a day early for two reasons: 1. I'm on a bit of a high from the concert that I was in earlier. Almost 5 months of work coming together into something truly awesome that I was proud to be a part of and 2. this is the last chapter and therefore Sundays will now become the upload day for the sequel/parallel story "Do you feel like a man" so watch this space, it'll be going up in about 24 hours when I've typed it. If you enjoyed this story then please go and read it. It's the same timeline as this one but from Alfred's point of view (with some Gilbert for good measure). Hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.**


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